Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Again Today, Perhaps For Always

Today would have been Joe's 28th birthday. We made a cake and had a little celebration. I wanted it to be fun and happy. Something Providence can look back on with fond memories. Honestly it's hard to honor someone who is not there, no one to blow out the candles, or shower birthday kisses on. No one to find the perfect gift for (or not find one). I told the story of Joe's 21st birthday, we got into a car crash on that one (without drinking and driving). I find if I dwell on the past too long I still desire to go back to it, I feel like a shadow of what I was before Joe died. Last year I made a few scrapbook type pages to place at Joe's grave along with the cupcake we have done in the years past. I put some scripture along with some pictures and a small excerpt of a journal entry I made long ago awhile after we had married.

I love him so much I wonder how, and the only answer I have is I have is because God made it so. Because God made me to love him with all I have. Because he makes me fly. Because no one has ever felt love before I met him. Because loving him is loving me. Because God made it so, my dreams came true. -Elisabeth (2003 journal)
I can remember how I felt then. That no one could be happier, my cup full and overflowing. Now my smiles and laughter seem to be just a reflection in a pool of what it was. I keep thinking of the verse in Proverbs:
Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful;
Though this verse in the midst of describing the unrighteous; this line makes me think of myself. Though I do love my life and enjoy it, though I laugh loud and often, though I look forward to each day, though I would not trade the life given to me for one of my own choosing, my heart stays heavy. Will I always feel so broken? So incomplete? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not allowing the Lord to be my completion? Is it ok to be grieving this way over three years later? Still wondering why? Still having dreams that it's all been a terrible mistake? I know that I have, and continue to heal, I know it's a process, undefined, a new and different territory with person grieving. I don't know how the Lord heals, I don't know the time line, I don't know if I will always sorrow. I don't know alot, but I do know that the Lord, He is God, even when my heart sorrows, he is my Shepard in the valley of the shadow of death, he is my God and there is no other.

9 comments:

Beth June 18, 2008 at 9:53 PM  

Happy Birthday Joe. We love you and miss you.
I am sure it is hard to stay strong, I pray for you often, We love you Liz.

Ivanna June 18, 2008 at 10:23 PM  

He is my God and there is no other. How well you said it. Thanks for making your heart known to us all. I love you so much.

Donna June 19, 2008 at 8:53 AM  

I read your blog often, I am a friend of Drea so that is how I found you.

You are a strong woman, I cannot even fathom how you do it, but you do, and you do it well. Gods got plans for you..keep on living and letting Him complete you.

Scott & Tori June 19, 2008 at 1:44 PM  

the song that has this verse in it has been in my head all day since reading your post...i feel like i should share it with you:
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

Vanessa June 19, 2008 at 2:29 PM  

Happy birthday Joe

Momathon June 19, 2008 at 6:59 PM  

Lis, you are one amazing woman. You are truly a gift to all who have the honor of knowing you. God is good.
With heartfelt love,
J

dad s June 21, 2008 at 12:17 PM  

dear lis
becky and i went to joes grave to wish him a happy birthday its difficult as we to recieved no response only with Gods love can we endure and live on I miss him terribly and at times my life is in a thick fog mentally/physically/and even spiritually at times I wonder why go on but then I ask for God,s help and I look into my heart at all the memories shared by all of us over the years and know that one day I will be able to hold my son again (knowing the joy he is experiencing 24/7 I can honestly say I envey him) but I look thru the fog and I can see Becky/Tommy/Racheal(baby on the way)Roger-Rachel/You and Providence and my..Our family and I believe God still has a special task for my to complete so I endure as best I can every day looking for silverlinning instead of overshadowing clouds to smother my joy from the past present and what the future has instore I want to run my race and finish well Love You Dad S

MomS June 21, 2008 at 3:58 PM  

I remember when I saw the Jeep and being upset about the broken windows and crinkled fender, but Jim only hoped you all were okay. When I heard what happened, I was so grateful that God spared you all!!!! And wonder so many times, "why didn't he spare Joey in Iraq as well?" But I know God's ways are higher than our ways and someday we'll know. I think of that verse often also. I've come to accept that sorrow will always be a part of me now, until Christ returns and Joey is with Him. I'm so grateful that he knew your love, and left a part of himself in Providence, and a part of himself in all of us as well, who knew and loved him. I do believe I know God well enough to know that he has great plans for your life, and joy will return to you in this life, fully. I love you so much, and I'm grateful that Joey brought you into my life.

Jen July 13, 2008 at 1:07 PM  

Lis,

I have been very sporadic online lately, and today when I caught up on your blog I spent a long time. This post made me cry. What a touching, beautiful, and heartrending story.

You are in my prayers! May you find His grace always sufficient.

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